Manchester United, Now in American Hands

Glazer Ups Stake in Manchester United

LONDON -- Tampa Bay Buccaneers owner Malcolm Glazer increased his stake in Manchester United to 71.8 percent on Friday, close to the 75 percent he needs to complete a $1.47 billion takeover for the world's richest soccer team.

Glazer's company, Red Football, said it would borrow $490 million to fund the buyout. Glazer is offering stockholders $5.55 a share.

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Look for the introduction of cheerleaders as an initial step, followed by canons and bombs bursting after each shot. Of course, they'll also initiate the tradition of singing the Star Spangled Banner followed by an F-18 fly-by before every game. Next, they are going to tackle the problem of insanely low scores. Look for new provisions to pick up the ball and run for a touchdown, ahem, goal.