I'm constantly amazed and a touch overwhelmed at the depth of intelligent discussions that other bloggers have up on their blogs. So I have decided that I am going to a super-intelligent blog, just so I don't lower the blogging standards of St. Blog's parish.

Okay here it is . . .

Blank, I am drawing blanks!

No surprise, besides the fact that I constanly draw blanks between the ears, I had to listen to a crying baby for two hours last night.

In addition to my numerous projects, I have added yet another. I am writing a spiritual autobiography and unlike Charles Barkley, I have no intention of being misquoted in my autobiography. I think it should be therapeutic for me and here's why.

Being the king of cynicsm, I doubt anyone can be more cynical than I am, and if there is one, I don't care! Anyway, being as cynical as I am, it helps every now and then to reflect on why I am where I am, especially my Catholic faith. Okay, who am i kidding? The only reason I want to write an autobiography is because I'm hoping it would become a bestseller and I can be rich and retire and get to sleep in for once.

Well, back to my secondary reason, i.e., reflection, I've become incredibly disillusioned with the Catholic Church, so much so that it is beginning to mean little to me. Why? There are a host of reasons, the recent scandals NOT being one of them. The recent scandals are only symptoms of what I think is a larger problem, however, I have not yet fully articulated what that problem is, at least to my mind.

Of my 32 years, I've been a Catholic for 20 years and 12 years as a Protestant. I find that Catholicism is embedded in my bones, so it is not so easy to "make like a tree and leaf." And do I want to leave? No. Why not? Do I love the Church that much to want to stay? No, and I don't hate it either. I'm indifferent to it.

By and large, my Catholic worship experience has been a dry one. It took me a while to acknowledge that but I find that it is the case for me and incidentally for a few Catholic friends I have (Catholic conservatives). The Catholic experience to my view seems primarily cerebral and does not touch the spirit. My desparation in this regard comes from the fact so many conservative Catholics find the mass enriching, so it is unlikely that there'll be a change in liturgy on the horizon. But even if there was one, it wouldn't solve my issue. There just is a basic disconnect between me and Catholic worship. My primary experiences with Christ were as a Protestant and felt I had touched the heart of the Almighty and was able to worship truly and freely in Spirit and in Truth. I have never attained that level of worship or intimacy as a Catholic.

So what I'll do is use the writing of my spritual autobiography as a way to reconnect with the Catholic faith and see where it leads me. Will I make any decisions then, probably not, but it is fun to contemplate the process.

I am contemplating placing chapter by chapter in the side bar. I find that it helps to write it as though I am in dialog with someone specific, blog readers, not just a general mass of people.